WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning 6-3 decision that legal experts are calling “the most effective way to fire someone by giving them a lifetime promotion,” the Supreme Court has officially “ended” the threat of Donald Trump’s legal woes by declaring that his power is now legally indistinguishable from a force of nature.
The ruling, which technically limits “unofficial acts” while broad-brushing “official acts” with the golden lacquer of absolute immunity, has left the nation’s prosecutors in a state of Zen-like paralysis. By “killing” the idea that a President can be a common criminal, the Court has successfully transformed the Oval Office into a magical safety bubble where the laws of physics still apply, but the laws of the United States are merely “polite suggestions.”
The “Death” of Accountabilty
“We have heard the cries of the people,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts, while reportedly wearing a robe made of original parchment and Kevlar. “And we have decided that the best way to end the controversy surrounding the former President is to make it physically impossible to describe his actions as crimes. If you cannot describe a crime, the crime does not exist. It’s basic Harry Potter logic.”
The Court clarified that while Trump no longer has the power to, say, “privately” double-park his motorcade, he maintains the “official” power to use the Department of Justice as a personal concierge service. Critics had feared that Trump’s power was ending, but the Court stepped in to ensure that if it does end, it will do so with the grace and legal shield of a medieval monarch.
A New Framework for “Ending” Things
To assist the lower courts, the Justices provided a helpful guide for what is now “ended” (illegal) and what is “protected” (official):
- Ordering a hit on a rival: This is an “Official Military Communication.” The power to be prosecuted for this has been ended.
- Accepting a bribe for a pardon: This is a “Constitutional Revenue Stream.” The power of the DOJ to interfere is ended.
- Writing a mean tweet about a judge’s daughter: This is an “Unofficial Act.” Finally, justice is served! The President may now be sued for $50 and a formal apology.
The Dissent: A King Without a Crown
Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s dissent was notably brief, consisting mostly of a single, hand-drawn map showing the nearest exits to the Canadian border. “The majority says they are ending the chaos,” she wrote. “What they have actually ended is the need for a law degree. From now on, the Bar Exam will just be a multiple-choice test where every answer is ‘Whatever the Guy in the Red Tie Wants.'”
Trump’s Response
Responding from his “Official Mar-a-Lago Annex for Immune Individuals,” the former President praised the Court for finally “ending” the unfairness of being told ‘no.’
“It’s a great day for the Constitution,” Trump said, while reportedly practicing his ‘Official Presidential Handshake,’ which now carries the legal weight of a divine decree. “The Supreme Court has ended the era of consequences. I’ve always said consequences are for losers, and today, the Court agreed. I am now the most ended powerful person in history.”
At press time, the Department of Justice was seen packing up 40 years of legal precedent and replacing it with a single, laminated card that reads: “Check with John Roberts first.”
