WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a dramatic floor speech that aides described as “technically a workout,” Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) issued a formal ultimatum to former President Barack Obama, demanding the immediate forfeiture of $120 million in alleged “Obamacare residuals.”
The Senator, wielding a 400-page binder titled Proof of Stuff, characterized the former President’s bank account as a “blatant legislative loot-box,” claiming that every time an American mentions the words “pre-existing condition,” a nickel is automatically wired to a tropical island.
The “Ultimatum”
“There is nothing moral or legal about a former president profiting from a law that is literally named after him,” Rubio declared, ignoring staff whispers that the GOP actually coined the name. “I am giving the former President 72 hours to respond, after which I will have no choice but to escalate this to the Department of Justice, the Space Force, and potentially the homeowners association of Martha’s Vineyard.”
The $120 million figure, which Rubio reportedly calculated using a calculator he found in a cereal box, allegedly represents “brand royalties” gained from the Affordable Care Act. According to the Senator’s theory, the federal government has been paying Obama a “naming rights fee” similar to how a stadium pays for the privilege of being called the “Juice Box Arena.”
A “Blatant Abuse” of Prestige
Rubio’s statement focused heavily on what he called “taxpayer-funded prestige.”
“You can’t just sign a law and then use the fame from that law to sell books or go on nice vacations,” Rubio said, while standing in front of a poster of his own latest book, The Courage to Be Scolded. “That’s influence-peddling. If I pass a law making it mandatory to eat Florida oranges, and then I eat an orange, that’s a conflict of interest. It’s simple ethics.”
The Response
While the Department of Justice has yet to receive the formal referral, a spokesperson for the former President responded via a single GIF of Obama sinking a three-pointer and walking away.
Legal experts have noted that “Legislative Royalties” do not exist, and that Presidents generally do not receive “points on the back end” of the bills they sign into law. However, Rubio remained undeterred.
“If we don’t stop this now,” Rubio warned, “what’s next? Is George W. Bush getting a cut every time someone starts a ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner business? Is Jimmy Carter getting a kickback from the global peanut lobby? The American people deserve to know why their tax dollars are being used to fund the former President’s suspiciously high-quality tan.”
At press time, Senator Rubio was seen attempting to serve a subpoena to a cardboard cutout of Obama in the Senate cafeteria.
